In Sickness and In Health

Real men don't cry.

But knocking on Heaven's gates these men become more father, husband, and lover than man, a transformation that unearths a channel of tears that had long run dry. The news that a loved one is dying, that their wife has newly diagnosed cancer, that their child may never regain the ability to speak or walk again... crushing news that could squeeze the last drops from a grape long turned raisin. I don't know about you guys, but to me there's nothing more heart rending than strength in the midst of tears. The slow flushing of skin and dewing of eyes in the spouse that listens as you tell him his wife may not have much time. The sight of parents buckling down to their knees in muffled sobs at the bedside of their 12 year old child, who smilingly tells them to be strong, that everything will be all right.

I was especially moved by the interaction of a couple I met recently on call. She came in with new onset seizures, and workup revealed what appeared to be metastatic disease to her brain. We knew from the CT scan that it was serious, and that she was likely facing a diagnosis of cancer of some sort. But after a day of multiple seizures, and a pending diagnosis of possible death, the only question she had for me was if there was any way we could get her husband a beer. It's been a long day, she said. I was touched, and smiling said I wasn't sure we could drink alcohol in the hospital. He excused her, apologized and thanked me for my help. As he turned to grab her hand to check to see if she was really processing all of this she smiled back at him, and he knew she did. As I left the room she continued, "More importantly, what's for dinner?" He wiped his eyes and laughed.

He asked me not to break the results of the pending MRI scan unless he could be there to support her while it was given. He stayed all night by her bedside in a small, awkward seat that seemed it was designed for midgets and petite Asian women. When the news breaking was pushed back, he simply apologized for the morning breath he would have, and said he'd wait a few more hours. In sickness and in health, he had promised to protect her. Would we make these vows if we knew it would mean to hold their hand when they are told they are going to die? This man was the kind of man who would have sworn them all the sooner, all the more solemnly, so he could be there for her during this moment.

Many of us spend our whole lives looking for something special. A soulmate perhaps, that other half that completes us? Or maybe just someone to laugh at our terrible jokes or keep us warm at night. I don't think I know what love is, not really, not completely anyway. But, I think I'd want to marry the girl that despite all adversity and hardship of her own, would turn to a doctor and ask if he could get her husband a beer.